Surgery Indeed

Since my last post about surgery, I have gone back and forth about what to do. I have essentially run out of options for more drugs to take, and I need to take the plunge and take action to improve my life. After my second infusion of Remicade this spring, I have improved a little but I am still nowhere near where I need to be to avoid surgery. The more I improve, the more I realize I sick I was the week before. I started feeling dramatically better for a couple days and I seriously considered waiting through the summer to see if I would improve. Of course, I returned to my usual ill self. My parents came to visit and my dad was finally convinced that surgery is the wisest choice. He himself narrowly avoided surgery a couple years ago and hoped until recently that I would too. 

I went to see my doctor today and she told me that surgery was really the best option. I hadn't seen her since I decided on surgery and having her confirm my decision meant a lot to me. I was just hesitant to absolutely commit to such a risky procedure before talking to a physician in person who knows Ulcerative Colitis inside and out (literally ha...room for a nasty joke there involving colonoscopies). She told me that even if I get a little better, I would need to be 100% better to make the mix of medications I am on - the combination is linked to fatal lymphoma - worth it. Now I don't have to question whether I made the right choice when I have a good day because I am never going to be 100%. My surgery date is May 10th, so I only have 12 days left! I will finally be able to be the person I tried to be in the past year but just couldn't be. 

My sister came to visit a couple weeks ago and I realized to what an extent I had been pretending. The fact that I often don't feel well and I never know when I will suddenly feel worse tires me out and can discourage me. Although I may seem normal, I am not, and it takes all my energy to give that impression.  I can be "on" for a couple hours at a time but as soon as I am no longer with other people who I consciously try to seem normal for, I have no physical strength. For example, I can be crying from pain, go to dinner and pull myself together to seem perfectly normal, then go back home and cry some more. When my sister was with me all day, it became more apparent how flat a person I have become. It's as if I periodically have no personality because I am just so tired from living.

People used to call me the energizer bunny. I was always super cheery, ready to go do things and love life. Get ready!

This is my public commitment to surgery. Now I can't back out!

CUT CUT CUT